Do you think it’s fine to take someone for granted? Because that’s what you do so easily. How can you be this way? Why do you have to do this? Why to treat someone like they don’t matter when all they do is care about you? Why show them that they are not worth what they give you? Why is it that even after they treat you like you mean so important to them, you treat them like they’re nothing? Why do you think that it’s fine to take someone for granted? Why is it fine for you to break them?
And it’s like you’re always here. Somewhere in the back of my mind. My eyes are always searching for you, but somehow are not ready to meet yours. Somehow my mind asks me to go look for you but as soon as I see you, I feel like running away. Even when I plan to not to think about you, My thoughts find their way to come back to you. I act like your presence doesn’t make a difference but really it’s hard to breath straight when you’re standing next to me. I curse at myself for feeling this way but I hate myself for thinking that I should give up on you. And even though we never talk, my heart screams your name and I share a million conversations with you in my brain. I plan to not to look at you when I walk past you but I find my eyes searching for you everywhere. Even if I know that I can never call you mine, somehow my heart only calls your name. When I go to bed and close my eyes, I imagine that sweet smile on your lips, which makes me smile too. Even if doesn’t matter to you, you mean so much to me. And when I finally think that I’m done with these feelings, I realise it’s all a lie that I’m feeding myself. The feelings keep growing everyday, even without you doing anything about it.
And I am dazed,
All that I can think about is blades.
Anger blinds my vision,
As tears fill up my eyes.
What the fuck is wrong?
Instead of doing this same shit everyday, they should just kill me at once.
Why the fuck do they think that’s it okay!? It’s not.
Why the fuck am I even here?
And when I finally let it out,
Things got worse.
I knew this would happen,
I always held back for this reason.
But not today.
I couldn’t hold back,
I did what was needed,
Even if it destroys me,
Even if things will never be the same after this,
Even if it isn’t how it’s meant to be.
And when the emotions fill in,
The words flow out like tears.
Feelings that were stuffed inside your heart, making it seem like it was ready to explode, finally start to melt and roll down your cheeks.
You don’t have to hold back when you’re alone.
You’re allowed to hurt when you’re alone.
The major part of me wants me to kill myself. I prefer overdosing. Pills give you an easy death, or so I believe. Just don’t know if it would really work. But a small part of me- asking me to not to do so, overpowers all my wishes. I don’t know what it is. Maybe the fact that I’m scared of what may happen if I don’t end up dying. Or how things may get worse after it. Or how I may spoil it for everyone. Or how my best friend would never forgive me for breaking the promise I made. Or how I might hurt some people by doing so. Or how I may disappoint everyone. Or maybe I’m worried about what my grandparents would go through if their grandchild died before them. But, not once do I care of all the opportunities that I might give up, if I do it. I feel like ending it all is so much better than fighting so hard to survive for just another day.
And I wanted to talk to you about it,
Because I was told that if something bothers me,
I shall let someone know.
I thought that I could hope for some help from you,
But seems like expecting anything from anyone is going to create disappointment.
So, I don’t know if it matters to you or not but it kills me to feel like I’m losing myself, to myself; the one that I don’t want to be.
So the thing about sadness it that you never get used to it, even if you learn to accept it. You cry every night and the next day, you act like nothing happened. You feel the sadness but learn to fake a smile. You want to do things to yourself that you wouldn’t want anyone else to do to themselves, for it feels like things would get better that way. Even if it feels like the darkness is something that you’re getting used to, the lonely dark nights make you so vulnerable. Sadness kills you but it’s like the only thing you hold onto anymore.
I don’t remember how many times I cried that night.
But I tried recalling it, once my eyes had dried.
Now that I look back to it,
I had no idea why the tears poured out.
All I know is,
When the darkness settles in,
I am replaced by someone I don’t know.
Perhaps, the one I’m losing myself to.
And when I look into her eyes,
All I see is hatred.
She doesn’t want to hear me out anymore.
She doesn’t let me explain.
On certain days,
I wonder what went wrong.
All we do is argue and fail.
She doesn’t like me the way I am
And I can’t bring to change myself anymore.
She tells me I’m of no good
And I listen to her.
She thinks of me in such a way,
It makes me hate the image she shapes.
Some days I wonder if she even thinks of me as her daughter anymore.