Confused 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

And she was a confused soul.                                At some days she’d want to grow her hair as long as Rapunzel’s and at some days, she’d have the urge to cut them off like Tinkerbell. At times she’d laugh like it was the only thing she knew and at times she’d cry like a heartbroken girl. At times she’d sing like she’s performing and at times she’d be as quiet as she can ever be. At times she would want to live to see the day when she takes her last breath in the arms of her love and at times she wishes to end it all at once. At times she would dance celebrating life and at times she’d sit as still as a doll. At some days she’s a free bird and some days she’s trapped in the tower.

               If you’d ask her to choose, she would always be confused. For example, if you asked her about her favorite color, she’d tell you how she likes jade green eyes and deep blue eyes. How black made her look slim and how red made her skin glow. She’d also tell you how she got fascinated by the rose gold color jewelry she saw on Pinterest. Or, if you’d ask her if she would rather go on a road trip or an airplane ride, she’d be confused. Road trips are soothing according to her and she finds the sceneries really interesting, at the same time, she likes the adrenaline rush she feels when the plane takes off and she likes to see the view above the clouds, as though she is in heaven. 

                       For others, she saw a positive in every negative they have but for herself, she couldn’t see any good in herself. Life was a mystery she didn’t want to solve. The sky so high was her aim yet she was a caged bird. Waiting for the cage to break open so she could open her wings and fly away. Yet sky seemed too risky- for it had other creatures ready to hurt a small bird like her. So should she fly or stay in her cage and sing herself to sleep?

And she was gone 

          When she walked in the door, the sight in front of her daughter, left her devastated. The girl was lying on the floor, looking like she has passed out. In her hands was a bottle of pills, now empty. Her mother rushed to her and started crying, screaming for help. This could not happen, she thought. “Help me someone”, she shrieked. She quickly pushed herself off the floor and ran to get her purse, lying on the floor. She fetched the phone out of the purse and called 911. She stated that her daughter had overdosed on pills and had passed out. She asked them to arrive as soon as possible to their address. Then she went to her daughter, picked her head and kept it on her lap and started sobbing.                         ” Princess, why did you do this?”, she asked in a cracking voice. Soon, the ambulance reached their apartment and picked the girl’s body up. It was so fast and unexpected that it seemed like a movie. She just followed the men carrying her daughter. They kept her body on a bed in the ambulance and the mother just sat beside her crying. They told her it would take thirty-five minutes to reach the hospital and she needs to stay calm and that the chances of the girl surviving were very less. They started towards the ambulance and all that she could feel was guilt and tension for her daughter. She felt guilty for never noticing what was happening to her daughter; For not being there for her; For not ever noticing what was her daughter going through; For having her end up this way; For not being able to keep her princess happy. She clasped her hands with her daughter and sang her the song she loved since she was five. In a shaky voice, she sung. As the song came to an end, the girl’s breathing started falling drastically and she could see that the beeping on the monitor beside her fastened. Two men sitting beside the mother looked horrified and they started doing some actions that the mother couldn’t understand. They kept saying one thing – ” we are losing her”. She broke down in tears. Suddenly the beeping stopped and was replaced by a high pitch voice which was deafening her. She knew. She knew. Her daughter was gone. All she knew was that she could not save her. That she died right in front of her and she could not do anything to save her princess. 

Love at first sight or attraction at first sight?

And she would be so confused with the whole ‘love at first sight’ thing. She never believed in that. According to her love at first sight wasn’t exactly love. It was attraction. Love happens slowly, after knowing a person. Without knowing a person when you like them, it’s attraction,l- is all she thought was true. Love is a beautiful feeling which we develop with time and attraction can be instant. Even an acid attacker falls in love at first sight but when the girl refuses him, he attacks what he called , “his love”, and leaves her scared for her life. We don’t hurt someone we love intentionally.  

Reading is an escape 📚

                        And she craved a feeling. A feeling other than lifelessness. Reading provided her with something. But the problem was, she got attached real quick: . As she read, she felt everything that the characters did. She stayed awake thinking about everything they might’ve thought about. It was as though, all that she couldn’t feel in real life, she felt it all as she read. She would fall in love with words and characters the authors described.            Her moods would change as she read. She would cry as a line hit her emotions. She would squeal when she read about happy moments. A smile played on her lips as she read about the guy proposing the girl. She would cry when the girl dies in the book. She would slightly do a happy dance when she read about perfect moments. Her eyes would light up on certain occasions and at certain moments they would let the tears fall. 

                 She clung onto what she got. But a part of her knew that she couldn’t let go of this anymore. Stories grew upon her because that’s what she needed. It was now a part of her. She always wanted to feel something because emptiness is way too suffocating.

Fading addiction 🔪

And then sadness filled up her veins again.She just let her gaze fall on her wrist. It was completely involuntary. Whenever she got sad , she’d start looking at her wrist. The wrist with scars. She knew exactly where each of her faded scar was. When she looked at her wrist, it was so clear for her. Those cuts and scars which have now been erased, somehow she can see them faintly. It leaves her wanting for more. Wanting new ones just above the old ones. At times she would hold the blade on her skin but drop it the next second and break down in tears. It took everything in her to stop herself. Somehow self harming made it all too easy for her. She had something to remove her anger on and not fear losing it . Later after doing it , the pain kept her busy . The next day hiding those with makeup and accessories was her only tension. She didn’t want to let the world see – how sad she had become. How she lost all her hope and clung to something that ended up hurting her everytime. So she hid it away, as if it wasn’t even a thing. All her thoughts and all her feelings. Life was easy with a blade, a little easier. But she knew how things would end up if she did it again. So she would start tracing circles on her wrist with her thumb and take deep breaths. She would cry in frustration but hold back. But she wasn’t as strong to do it forever. What made her worry was, what if she starts it again!? Coz then there is no going back.

You couldn’t save me 😭

The room was really dark. She couldn’t see anything. It was like she knew where she was but she wasn’t sure of it. There were windows covering one side of the room but she still couldn’t see anything as it was a very dark, rainy night. At nights like these, she would cuddle with her blanket and sleep, but not today. She was feeling really uneasy for some unknown reason. The tapping of the raindrops on the window were making her feel a bit better. She sat down and hugged herself, not knowing what else to do. She had a feeling that If she moved, something unwanted would happen. So she sat. Sat and hummed the song she knew since she was five. Her favourite song. The song on which her parents danced, on their wedding day. She hummed it while the weather became worse. She could hear thunders at distance. She knew what was going to happen. Soon a lightening would flash near the room she was in and she would know where she was. And as she had expected, a lightning struck.                   And just like everything gone. She was sitting on her bed and breathing fast. She knew it was a dream. Because when the lightning struck, what she saw was beyond explainable. She saw herself hung to the roof fan by a rope. Her head was hanging low and her eyes were still open but they looked so dead. Behind her hanging body, on a white wall, Something was written with red spray paint, which she clearly remembers that she had bought for a school project. What she had written was – ” you couldn’t save me“.

Just another girl after all🤷🏻‍♀️

This is written by my best friend Tejasvi Reddy, if you think she should write more and have a personal blog, please vote on this. 

          Trapped. Helpless. Suffocating. Thats how she felt everyday. Is it even normal to feel like this? She thought. She couldn’t help it. Slitting her wrist was an outlet for her. But not anymore. She had her walls built high. Too afraid to let people in. She starts her day with a smile hoping it would end with a smile. But no. Life doesn’t work that way, right? Its like hoping is a crime. According to her hoping should be made illegal. But thats what is keeping her alive. Hoping things will get better. Hoping she will be happy for real. Hoping for a miracle to happen. But let me tell you,she isn’t weak. If you have to define strong, just say out her name. Walking with a magnificent smile,she can light up your day. But who is going to light up hers? 
                Pain. Its a common feeling to humans. But she doesn’t feel it anymore. Numbness. Is what she feels. She didn’t want to believe in miracles. But thats what is keeping her alive. Between these trapped walls of hers the only ray of light for her is dance. She moves like feather. With complexion as fair as snow,eyes as deep and blue as a sea, she screams joy.
When you’re around certain people, you can feel certain vibes. Some give you comfort, some trouble. But her, she screams home. No matter what the situation is, she screams home. She give you that comfort. That vibe that everything is going to be okay. And you know you can share anything with her. She will be the wall you will want to lean on. But can we do the same with her? No. And that is the difference between her and the world.
Scrutinize her. Look deep. See through her happy facade. All you can see is pain. You can hear a voice that silently screams help.

With every word of yours, your hurting her. Making her feel lonely. Every word and action is like a knife. Piercing deep into her heart.
Ruin her how much ever you want to. But she will still stand strong.But at the end of the day all she that is left for her are tears.

 Empty corridor 

The school bell had rung thirty minutes back. The school is empty and I am the only one in the hallway. I stayed back reading in the school library that stays open till six. Reading is the only thing I do willingly anymore. It’s like books give me an exposure to feelings other than sadness. They fill up my heart with a warmth. My friend tells me that I don’t smile anymore unless I’m reading a romance novel. But I don’t a reason to smile or laugh anymore. Who cares though? It’s not like someone notices. I don’t know how I became this way. In fact, I look for reasons to be happy. Home feels too lonely. School too seems really lonely. And with everything I feel, things get tough.              

     I can’t help but notice the hate everyone has for me. A tear rolls down my cheek as I walked towards the door. Suddenly, I get pushed on the lockers. I open my eyes and see him looking straight at me. I tried to get out of his grip but he pinned me to the locker and blocked my way to escape. I took in a deep breath and looked at him with questioning eyes . He himself was holding a curious gaze.

                    He raised his hand to my face and wiped the tears off my cheeks. He moved a bit closer and looked into my eyes and asked, ” why are you crying sunshine?”

                I did not answer and just looked away. ” I don’t know what made you cry princess, but I will bring back your smile coz I’m so in love with you”.

Dream 😰

I walked up to the mirror in my room. I took the lotion which was kept on the desk beside the mirror and applied it on my hands. The cold winter nights make my skin dry. I climbed into the bed next to him. Oh , he is all I have anymore. I pecked his cheek and lay down. Before I knew , sleep took over me.           I suddenly woke up and I was standing in the middle of the road. It was too weird to be real but it looked too real. I tried to move but my legs were jammed. That’s when I panicked. I looked around for help. There were small shops in both the sides of the road but not one living person was to be seen. 

          The next thing I saw was that a car was speeding towards me. I struggled to move out of its way. I tried really hard to move away from the road because it didn’t seem like the car would be stopping. I screamed for help , hoping somehow someone would come and stop this all .  

That’s when I felt a pair of arms wrap around me. “It’s just a dream”, the familiar voice cooed into my ears. I instantly felt comfortable. Just like a million times , his arms felt like home. As I breath into his scent , my breathing steadied and I started to drift back to sleep but the last thing that I heard before I was back in deep slumber was him saying – ” I love you”. 


       Our school decided to take us to the cemetery. To pay a visit to the gravestone of the girl who committed suicide. It made me really mad. No one paid attention to her while she was alive. If they would’ve shown this concern to her while she was here , she wouldn’t have killed herself.              We were all asked to assemble at the school assembly that morning and they arranged for the transports for us to go to the cemetery. It was outside the city. After traveling for one hour , we were there. It was a cloudy day which made the surroundings even more sad. I was carrying some lilies with me. The whole place was having huge rocks and hundreds of graves around. As we were walking to her grave , we passed by a grave of an old lady. The husband of the lady was sitting on the floor beside it with a bunch of roses in his hands. He was talking to her grave and I could see his eyes fill with tears. Our eyes met for just a second and I gave him an empathetic nod and he smiled at me. He was so brave , according to me. No one even glanced at him while I couldn’t remove my eyes from the scene. But then I thought it would be rude so I moved my gaze and followed the group. We reached her grave . “Rachel Morgan” 

From 2nd April, 2002 to 2nd April, 2017

It made my heart break and my eyes fill up to see that at the age of only fifteen, she ended it all. In fact , it was her birthday . Tears rolled down my cheek involuntarily. She might’ve been in so much pain to do it. I never had a conversation with her but I knew that she tried everything and went beyond boundaries to make others smile. She might’ve not experienced so many things. I thought that maybe if I were in her place , I would regret this but when I read what was written below her name and the dates , I was broken. 

It read, “ I have made many mistakes throughout my life , but I swear this wasn’t one of them.”