This feeling….. I don’t know what it is . I mean it’s a new feeling …. And it’s awful. It’s not something I want in my life. It’s like a barrier between my happiness and I. This feeling makes me hate everything around me and makes me hate myself the most . It takes over me from the time I wake up to a new day. I feel extremely tired and find it tough to get out of bed , even though I just woke up. I don’t feel like leaving my bed at all. It feels like a huge task to get out of bed and do the chores that you once loved doing. All day , at school or at home , I feel extremely insecure about all my flaws. Whenever someone laughs , I feel like my flaws are displayed. With every breath that I take , my mind and my heart says, ” you are worthless”. It’s like having two distinct parts of my own self ; one is street carefree and confident and the other part of me is extremely insecure about my own self and keeps pointing out negatives in me that I have heard over the years , it stores them all and keeps repeating them, and makes me want to kill myself. For a major part of my life , the second part of my rarely showed up but now when it’s out, I just want to take my life, it’s that bad. It’s like two voices in my head , and both of them are completely opposite . For instance, if I ever get dressed up for an event and see my reflection, just before I leave , and one voice says, ” you look wonderful , everyone is going to love you. You should go out more often and enjoy a little bit.” Whereas the other voice says, ” you should just change and go back to bed. You look awful and far and I think you would do everyone a favor by not going to the event.” Even though I try but the negative voice is stronger and the words it says are more affective , so it always wins. These feelings and thoughts keep me awake for numerous nights ; they fill my brain up , leaving me disgusted of my own self . These thoughts make me want to hurt myself. They make me want to kill myself. They make me feel so small. They make me feel so invisible. When I hurt myself , these thoughts somehow disappear , and I’m left with the feeling of pain that I have to myself. However , I would any day choose this pain over the demonic thoughts, so I’d repeat to hurt myself. I try to talk to people about it , but it’s so confusing that I cannot share my feelings to anyone. They either take it wrong and call me an attention seeker or they don’t understand at all. When I once told someone about how this all felt , they said something like, ” you’re too young for all this . You’re just a kid , try and live your life , stop over acting”. And it’s really difficult for me to tell them that I don’t want to think this way , but yeah I do want to end this life , even though I’m a kid. I feel like everyone around me hates me for not coming up to their expectations and I feel like a failure. I don’t have good grades , neither do I have a good body, nor am I good at sports. And I’m a failure, a disappointment, this is what my thoughts are all about. Sometimes I just am not able to stop myself from thinking about killing myself . It’s so hard to stop this all. But I’m still not brave enough to take my own life. Something inside me stops me from taking my life. But I promise you , if I got into an accident, I wouldn’t even fight to survive. Yes , I’ve thought about my parents, how would they feel if they knew of their daughter’s ways, but I am not strong enough to control myself. Though , I’ve learned how to keep up the mask and not show my tears. Now I’ve started to hide my sadness , else I’m an ‘attention seeker’ , right? Now I am a really happy girl , trying to spread happiness and trying to stay smiling. But if I were alone , and I didn’t try so hard, I was still the broken girl. Through years I made music and blade my best friend. I just don’t feel like trying anymore.
.Fake smiles| Dried tears| Bleeding wrists| suicidal thoughts.