Hurt

And when the emotions fill in,

The words flow out like tears.

Feelings that were stuffed inside your heart, making it seem like it was ready to explode, finally start to melt and roll down your cheeks.

You don’t have to hold back when you’re alone.

You’re allowed to hurt when you’re alone.

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For just another day.

The major part of me wants me to kill myself. I prefer overdosing. Pills give you an easy death, or so I believe. Just don’t know if it would really work. But a small part of me- asking me to not to do so, overpowers all my wishes. I don’t know what it is. Maybe the fact that I’m scared of what may happen if I don’t end up dying. Or how things may get worse after it. Or how I may spoil it for everyone. Or how my best friend would never forgive me for breaking the promise I made. Or how I might hurt some people by doing so. Or how I may disappoint everyone. Or maybe I’m worried about what my grandparents would go through if their grandchild died before them. But, not once do I care of all the opportunities that I might give up, if I do it. I feel like ending it all is so much better than fighting so hard to survive for just another day.

The one I don’t want to be.

And I wanted to talk to you about it,

Because I was told that if something bothers me,

I shall let someone know.

I thought that I could hope for some help from you,

But seems like expecting anything from anyone is going to create disappointment.

So, I don’t know if it matters to you or not but it kills me to feel like I’m losing myself, to myself; the one that I don’t want to be.

Holding onto sadness

So the thing about sadness it that you never get used to it, even if you learn to accept it. You cry every night and the next day, you act like nothing happened. You feel the sadness but learn to fake a smile. You want to do things to yourself that you wouldn’t want anyone else to do to themselves, for it feels like things would get better that way. Even if it feels like the darkness is something that you’re getting used to, the lonely dark nights make you so vulnerable. Sadness kills you but it’s like the only thing you hold onto anymore.

Losing myself

I don’t remember how many times I cried that night.

But I tried recalling it, once my eyes had dried.

Now that I look back to it,

I had no idea why the tears poured out.

All I know is,

When the darkness settles in,

I am replaced by someone I don’t know.

Perhaps, the one I’m losing myself to.

Her eyes?

And when I look into her eyes,

All I see is hatred.

She doesn’t want to hear me out anymore.

She doesn’t let me explain.

On certain days,

I wonder what went wrong.

All we do is argue and fail.

She doesn’t like me the way I am

And I can’t bring to change myself anymore.

She tells me I’m of no good

And I listen to her.

She thinks of me in such a way,

It makes me hate the image she shapes.

Some days I wonder if she even thinks of me as her daughter anymore.

Him

My feelings for him will never die.

The thoughts I had planted in my brain;

They always grow.

I watered them with my love.

I took care of them like it was meant to be.

When the flowers bloomed,

He stepped on them and walked away.